It's empty. Like a void in an abyss
of a chamber that seemingly never ends.
It's like knowing nothing can fill it, but you try.
You try over and over, beating on a door
that is empty on the other side.
You rock yourself to sleep
salty water streaming down your cheeks
temporarily staining the sheets
You wait for something to click
like the safety on the hand gun
held to your head by your conscience
Maybe he thought it was fun
to poke and prey and feed off the emotions
of yet another fooled, unsuspecting victim.
So you try everything under the sun
to cure you're pining love
until you learn it never goes away.
You'll just have to live with the pain
throughout the nights into the day;
Hoping the phone wont ring,
and you wont dream,
and he wont come in a week
to bang down the door...
that will be empty on the other side.

Since another has helped you forget
how painful it all once was...
You discovered a cure to heartache....
and it was right there all along.





© S.C. 09

The phone vibrates,
as it always does...
after my late nights at work
and I know it's you.
Calling because she's ignoring
you while she left you alone
for months to fend for yourself.
You call when you're sad.
You call when you're lonely.
You call when you're seemingly worried
about my well being.

We talk for hours
about everything
the past, the future, our mistakes...
our dreams, our hopes, our love.
And I wonder, if it's just like that
If it's just my voice filling some gap
she left behind, where your heart
used to be,
before it ended up in a jar next to my bed.

I watch it pulse and throb
each night before I sleep.
I listen to it beat and whisper my name
deep into your dreams...
And next to you is mine.
Doing the same....
each and every night

As we sit miles apart
wondering where it will all lead,
me more than you
never trusting in my heart like before
since you took it away and kidnapped it
surely knowing I would return.

So until then, I listen to you breathe
I talk while you put the speaker next to your lips
to feel my breath against yours....
I let the emotions go into paper
Into music, into salt paint that stains my face.
Like the war paints of yesterday
and the growing ones of today....
I scream into microphones and
see you there in the booth that is no longer
smiling at me as I serenade you
in a way only you brought out in me....

Until then, “at least I have you through the phone”....
which is only enough, for time that I have...
I need your touch, more than your voice.
I need your eyes, more than your promises
Through starlit airwaves and broken receptions.
I need your love more than the air I need to live.
I need your smile more than the sun that keeps us alive...

Keeping me alive, is your voice,
and the promises of tomorrow....
I should never believe,
but I always do.

© S.C. 09

memorial day weekend
3 years ago
we were 400 miles apart
at our favorite dive bars
drinking our favorite
love hate relationship
into oblivious promises
and impossible unanswered questions
that weren't quite intended to
materialize...or just maybe...
but life has a funny way
of pullin a micky on ya...
and boy did it fuck every plan
in one hell of a way

i knew it was 3 years even when you said
"you never know what's going to happen
in five...."
for me everything happens in threes...
i didn't know what would happen in two
[3 years after we met]
to shatter my existence and
everything i thought i knew about life
year three things are even more
chaotic and uncomfortable
than i wished for
watching death consume
everything around me
hoping something good is coming...
just waiting for the breakdown is
the hardest part.

i tried to get away and each and every time
just to avoid your hulk grip on my entity.
i tried hiding in places your scent,
your eyes, your messages,
your thoughts, your dreams,
found me. every day. at every reach of the earth
that i could reach, climb, hike
drive, fly, walk, run and snowboard to....
and there you are laughing,
like it's some sick joke.

so i come back,
to you - gone
and the memories lingering
like stale pbr and nostalgic photographs
left from the burned box, knife-slashed animals,
discarded love letters, notes,
crying blood from eyes that never
were meant to cry over you to start...
a twilight-zone style remake
of everything
that once was...

reliving everything without much to go on...

except for the few items that have crept back
stealthily like a ninja, attached to that pine tree
outside my window
a reminder of what happiness was
where i used to feel safe,
because no one would find me
under the blankets
if you were here....

© S.C. 09

The more I forgot
the more I remembered;
the more I wanted to do anything
to make more memories.

I read the journals
I wrote about you....
page after page after page...
of how much I loved you.

Of how I felt I didn't have
enough time or the means
or the heart or the sanity
to love you like you deserve.

So we sit on different planes
of consciousness
wishing into boxes for dreams
that may never come true...

We live off our memories
and late night conversations
that comfort and scar
each and every time.

The more I hear you
The more I have to see you
And the more I read how I felt
in the beginning

the more I fall right back
in love with you
all over again....

© S.C. 09

Everyone knows the story
of the girl that finds
the bad bad boy
that just stops her world-
The boy all the girls wanna hawk-watch
never realizing his heart
isn't connected to his cock
confined in dickies shorts, cut, haggard, torn
mended zip up hoodies-safety pinned lips
black bandanas suffocating the secrets
held under his shaved head
wounded by wars long past
white socks pulled up
like the walls that choke up the memories

You all hear the fairy tales gone wrong
of lovers lost, slain, maimed and torn.
Betrayed, connived, and tortured...
Sometimes the brutality mutes the world
A shot that silenced an eternity for some,
a wish whispered through the sky
as the howls carried the message
to the gods...
Pass me to the next life....
I need to hit restart.

You never hear the real endings.
When the honestys of Hercules and Hera
come out as a realization occurs...
Proving yourself, to yourself, is all you need.
There is more to the world
than meets the eyes of external influences.
That are unexplainable, explainable,
Intriguing and mesmerizing.
Things that are worth ingesting
until combustion.

A symbol of the heart I wear permanently
on my sleeve.....and many more, are his.
My body and what he thought of me, on his...
He laughs with my heart in his hand,
I'm sure he sleeps with it...
Alone. It doesn't stop pulsing, ever.
Reminding. Constant.. Indignant.
It never will....
Even if he ever returns it
To it's resting place encased
with the stitched rib cage
mutilated in the abduction.

Breathe.
One.
Two.
Release.

It's worth it...
just to sleep and dream
of that castle in the sky
High in the towers
circled by dragons and owls,
wolves at the gates to keep
the drama llamas home...

The place we dream of
In arcanum provision
where we left and lived
by way of
scrabble, pizza pillows
and Family Guy.

S.C. 09

Something brought me here.
Begging and tearing from the
innards of my soul outward
screaming like a ravenous hyena
pulling me fervently, uninhibited
Rocking my core into a frenzy
for seven exhausting years.

Adoration for peaks that tower
at a mere fourteen thousand feet
still glistening snail trails
creeping down her walls in July
begging to be uncovered and devoured
taken for everything she is
trust in her, she'll trust in you...

Obsession with the double-time-pulse-inducing,
anger-managing, earth-shaking, take what you want
give everything you have, push until you think
you just may die....and push some more,
snow hunting, powder pounding, mouth watering
muscles tensing, blood pumping, Thrill. Thrill. Thrill.

Fuck what you knew, I'm here to reinvent it all.
If I was a liar, you wouldn't have been where you were
the moon secretly spying, stalking, besides
the shadow in the lot, we paid no mind...
I lost myself, into something else.
Something I've been inherently drawn to
for months at the blatant least...

The first afternoon you walked out from the kitchen
you looked into my eyes...
and I knew then, exactly what we confirmed tonight.
Somewhere. Someway. One day...
Eventually, we will have what is ours.
From that moment, you have seen
things in me, you may not comprehend.
You hold a secret, a fire in your eyes,
a charismatic charm and sincerity
I know better to fall for, at least for now....
Lucky for us,
we're 2000 miles away.

It's cool. It's no big deal.
Perhaps.
But we are both in the same place
at different ends of the bar;
at night, when we dream...
I wont pretend it's a lie.
That it's not happening.
I wont hide who I am
for the sake of others' sanity.
I want pleasure and love.
Adoration and respect.
Raw passion and animalistic sexuality.
I want honesty, trust, and companionship.
I want my loins to throb, as they do now
longing for your legs entwined with mine,
my hips digging urgently into yours
rocking back and forth slowly
gently touching my lips
my hips
that sway and grind
lusting to connect flesh with flesh
you kiss me as you've known me
for lifetimes...never missing a beat.
You hands, a perfect match
to the curves of my waist.
My knees buckled, my stance weak
unable to stand, I could barely look
at you directly, and to top it off,
I couldn't quite breath after you
straight took it away.
I want you, your mouth, your eyes, your thoughts...
I need...your hands...all over me.
I'm already addicted to your breathing, labored,
intense, causing me to pause, hold, hesitate
release.
I crave your lips, against my salty flesh
calling on you, begging you, just one more...
hug.
kiss.
touch.
mingle.
whisper...
fuck.

Something is already calling me back.
Throbbing in the depths of my pelvis.
Something that helps me understand-
You. Myself. The world. Without a word.

Please come back when you're available.
Our story has just begun.

© S.C. 09

For a minute I forgot where I was going
in what direction I had set out to begin with....
I lost you somewhere in those dreams
weeks before I woke up
in that soaking wet bed, cursing nothing
but my subconscious for warning me yesterday.
This place feels like nostalgia and new dawns
it feels like a home that was never known
until now.....

I speak to you in those dreams
waking myself unable to breathe-
to move into another dimension
Living solely in the confines of my brain.
Tomorrow is a stagnant, make believe
fairy-tale stuck on the pages
of a book the whole world
will one day read.

Learning to recapture the rampant thoughts
is a trait consumed after patience.
Without it you have nothing but the insomnia
the stars, the voices, and the blues chords
strummed on the guitar
during late night wine sessions,
while you suck in the humidity
like a hummingbird at that feeder
mom obsesses over.

I forgot where I was going today,
only to find myself
lost in your thoughts
consumed by everything and nothing
all at once.
Our hearts could seemingly lead
if our heads would just stop
and take a breather....

© S.C. 09

It never occurred to confuse
the want with the need
the why with the why not
and the ignorance with the bliss...

To trust someone with things
and times and places and memories
to give them of yourself is something
of unselfish behavior that shouldn't go unnoticed.

Helping people believe things that aren't true
that will indirectly
directly
inadvertently
secretly
destroy everything they know
about themselves and life
is an atrocity I can't even touch on here.

But to come full circle,
realize the way and direction
of your life and times of where you should be
and why...
Why are you here?
When did you last ask yourself that....
And how you treat those around you,
What was your last self-less action?

Everyday should be a day anew,
to learn and grow
to manifest and conjure.
Project, reject, protect and create.
To make your life and those around you
meaningful; purposeful; eventful; joyful
the most important task of your day.

Living years in silence is no way to live.
Loving and living for the sheer act of it,
is a whole different life of it's own.

© S.C. 09

It is the same ritual, each and every time.

24 hours before: Start getting stoked about tomorrow.
Pack gear (for first time).
Call everyone to confirm (or cancel for a mental health day).

18 hours before: Stare at board, longingly, as if you would marry it, if you could. Pace room.
Strap in, in the bedroom and find bruises tomorrow in places you didn't know existed.
Make a new shred playlist. Pace more, watching the clock.

12 hours before: Eat full hearty home-cooked meal/have a few drinks for well induced sleep.
(Don't forget the water and vitamins!!!!!!!)
Sing karaoke with friends and dance to jam bands that rock your socks off.
Barely sleep from excitement.

4 hours before: get up groggy from accidentally getting a little too sauced pre-shred.
Wake and bake.
Make egg sandwiches, protein shakes, fruit, oj, repacking...again.
Check gear;food; water and hardware.
More coffee...protein shake, thc.
1 hour before: Pack car.
Put shred playlist on ipod.

FindSnow.

© S.C. 09

The hunter is never supposed to play
role reversal.
The hunter does not become
dinner, displayed naked and warm
on the table – as a sacrificial rite.
...Until the night she crept into the
tucked away pub they called home
and they noticed;
almost immediately;
what was to come from the dance
they were conducting.

He pursued her.
Eyes fervently searching,
stalking, lavishly watching from the stage.
His body swayed back and forth as
his lips caressed the microphone,
-as they later would her own:
her body pressed hard
against the cold steel of his truck
hard and wanting;
urgent and deliberate.
.
He sang low and languid,
body language and deep eye contact,
making it impossible for her not to notice
to watch in awe, hips writhing,
pelvis aching, back arching, organs pulsing...
throbbing to every beat of the drum,
every bass chord echoing through her rib
cage, watching him
watching her
dance to his words
that intoxicated her
beyond her wildest dreams....

And when he walked off that stage,
and stalked her across the dance floor
positioning himself so she was cornered
she lost her breath...stumbling back slightly
he put his face, nose to nose with her
and whispered,
“I'm not going anywhere until you tell me to leave....”

She said nothing....
Even when he walked out months later without a word
Never to be seen again...

© S.C. 09

It was one of those full moons that makes your insides flutter with anticipation,
this growing, wanting need of fulfillment that is clawing at the insides of your rib
bones, scraping to be noticed, slashing to get out. It was so bright and luminous above,
daunting almost, watching every move, every muscle tension, every breath in the crisp fall air.
That autumn moon watched as the leaves rustled in restlessness, in fever, in heat. Driving down
that road, the wind whispered to the trees, anxious and secretive. In an alcove, unnoticed, the engine dies, and everything is silent. There wasn't a leaf, a car, a howl, or an indication of life.

The seats were cold against the flesh of knees, pushing into the canvas, 170 lbs of pressure
grinding, back arching into the light of the moon. A hand around the throat, one around the waist, if you just wait for it....you'll just have to wait longer. Cold compress of seat-belts and hard plastic jammed into sweat covered, glistening skin. Heaving, breathing, scraping at flesh at 55 degrees for warmth, for the hard pulsing sex that is more apparent by the millisecond. Flip around to see the moon, looming like a camera light....Ready. Set. Action!

Laid on a blanket on the earth below, sticks and stones...wont break these bones. Wrapped around an encasement of masculinity and strength, body tensing, releasing, insides pulsating, orgasmic. Once. Twice. Three times.... The stars, covered by the intensity of that rock, watching every labored breath. Every time eyes locked. Loving, abandoning, everything from before. Taking it purposefully, respectfully, intently....emphatically. Taking everything there was to take, draining blood until near death...

Just to walk away, in silence.
A torment and incarceration
deserving of none.

© S.C. 09

A knot...
one for each day
that I don't have you
beside me, where we both belong.

A knot,
for every night
I can't lie next to you
and tell you stories
deep into tomorrow.

A knot
for each
twenty four hour round
that I can't care for you
as we both know only I can...

A knot
to remind on waking
each day that I miss you
more than the air at 10,000 feet.

A knot
as a secret reflection
that we are biding our time
in silent anticipation.

A knot
so that I can never forget
the hungering, longing,
one million words in one blink
look in your eyes
that no one knows but us...

A knot
for tomorrow
and the wish that
I will see you
hear you
touch you
console you
humor you

And the last tied around
as my promise
that I have finally discovered
that you're the God
I've been worshiping all along.

© S.C. 09

I keep getting into fights with pirates.
I have the scars to prove it.
People laugh, funny part is, you believe me.
You believed in me, even when you
couldn't admit it.

If I came there and begged for you
To let me forgive you
Of sins of a past I can never forget
That made me who I am today....
If I showed up to show you what it's worth
Would you take it...?
Could you learn to live for you...?
Or would you turn away,
Affording me a lavish win in lieu of your predictability?

If I continued to pour my heart into a bottomless
Pit of a goblet...that fed off my soul, my heart that beats,
If only for the purpose of loving...
To be ripped from the womb
Forgotten and discarded, left for better than what could be offered.
If, hypothetically, I gave you the words to fight your battles,
Would you see what is really offered,
From a Queen, to her King...

Today and for now, there is a divine order to how this
Play will puppeteer itself through the lines
Rehearsing for a show with no date or time.
But a show not to be missed.
With tales of loves lost, misguided choices;
Detrimental consequences coupled with endings
We have yet to write.
Faery tales have always a way of working themselves out.


Happy endings...are the only real fable.

© S.C. 09

I have dreams about you...
Walking next to me,
Tall as can be.
And I never know if it's you
Or me
That is connecting astrally.

We stand on the top of that familiar
Black cliff holding the broken wings
Of a butterfly we destroyed long ago.
And it is that image that haunts me
Sunny day after starry night.

And there are times when I wake
Sweaty and disillusioned, my only watcher
The glimmering stars I wish upon,
And I know you were there...

Tomorrow is a day, I can look on with a smile,
Knowing it's another day closer
Until I can hold you in my arms again...
And tell you it's going to be alright.

© S.C.

He haunts the dreams
Silent, Sickening, Sweet.
Longing hunger dripping lazily
Fogging the screen
Keeping it from view.

Open. Close. Open.
Breathe in. Out. Panic.

Tormenting flashbacks
To days of standing tall.
The falsified love
Paine of a race gone wrong.
Run, Baby, Run....
If you faced it,
You would find all you are searching.

Embrace your fear,
Like a lover slain -
Emphatically rapturous
Climb right into that cot
Curl around him,
Wrapping your facade
In the fur of comfort.

Lie silently
In your bed of thorns
Knowing it's everything
You Fear...
When his eyes are closed...
Tighter than yours.

© S.C. 09

I miss you more...
Than real Maine italian sandwiches.
Definitely more than Joey's
Famous Pumpkin Muffins...

The smell of dying earth and autumn sun;
Decaying leaves; splashing colors
Blatantly across Hackers Ridge.

The taste of Jack Daniels,
That lingers weaker than your touch
Which lasted longer in my imagination.

Yea, I miss you more...
Than all those sweet nothings;
All those words
You never meant until now...

© S.C. 09

i never expected
that happiness came
after figuring out
the ins and roundabouts
working your way
through mass amounts
of bullshit
just for the final confirmation

i never thought
he'd come back
confessing adoration
and commitments
never before expected
i believed it was a lost cause...
"the black hole" otherwise known as: maine
has a way of trapping people
for life, and before you know it
you're 60 and stuck. wondering...
"where did it all go?"

in all honesty my mind
was completely stunned
curiosity stricken as to how long
you've been thinking and wondering
pondering and procrastinating
and somehow we were both intelligent
enough to figure last year just wasn't
our time...
but next year....is a whole different
realm in itself.

i can only now oblige to give you
everything i can with the means we're afforded
and pray that this is what is meant to be...

© S.C. 08

your hands have a way
of covering my skin
as the new fallen powder
caresses the earth
slowly and deliberately
growing and manifesting
changing everything around each of us
somehow creating a serenity only found
when i'm in your arms...
you envelope me just like the blanket of white
on the edge of a cliff
the wind blowing taking my breath away
reminiscent of each time your lips converge
against mine...
and when i close my eyes i feel closer to
the bliss i own when i'm alone and on that mountain
wishing you were taking this ride with me...
because your eyes see more of me
than anyone single one before you
and your hands touch me as if they've known
everything about me for years....
and your lips ache as much as mine
for one more second of what we once had.
and i know that as i sit here thinking
of everything that could be
everything you have said
everything i feel...
that is completely real...
i know you're there thinking
the same exact things.


© S.C. 08

You have haphazardly appeared in my life
uncountable times in the last twenty years
But who is counting?

I touched you as I've always ached for
passionate and unreserved
for the first time one year and one month ago.

Since that mysteriously remarkable night
you've stayed with me
secretly intoxicating every fiber of my being.

I carried your voice with me
around the world
liquored words strewn across bar napkins

Tab sheets numbered and collected
as not to lose focus
of our one and only goal.

I wanted you to discover telepathy
but sometimes my brain is out of energy
from wishing you were here.

© S.C. 08

Just to watch you feign sadness
over a lost "friendship"
4 months after you started this nonsense...

is sadistic and masochistic.

I hate that I adore you...
I'd rather chew off my arm.

© S.C. 08

I imagined you
Many moons before the one that falls
Just two short days after your birthday
I dreamt of a man
Tall and strong
Articulate and convoluted
Indefinitely resilient and dangerous
As he is gentle and passionate
But I never imagined it could be anything like this
Silence never occurred to me
Even as a curious girl, grown
Who had never really fallen in love
I open my dreams like the craft of a heart surgeon
Searching for everything
Not “something”
I will not succumb and “settle”
For their idealistic society.
I want so much more from my life.
The potentiality to do anything.
See everywhere.
Accomplish dreams unfathomable to sheep.
I want to discover the nature of opening
Accepting
Exploration
I want to devour and slowly appreciate
Each beautiful dream that comes true.
Sleep is overrated and I suppose if I slept
Right next to you
My insomnia would worsen.


© S.C. 2008

He said:

"I find your smile so fucking god-damned delicious that it is irresistible...."

Good things come...
To those who want them.

© S.C. 08

I stood outside
Overlooking the mountains
Walking in circles
Tears slipping over my reddened cheeks
Salty and sweet
Kissing my lips

And when I got to the house
A bottle with your name appeared
So I drank you
I drank until my world went black
And all there was left
Were my vacant black eyes
Just like little buttons

I swallowed more whiskey
Than pain and sadness combined
Making my body heave
My eyes unleashing flooding rains
I woke un-familiarized with reality
A mouth full of nicotine
Sandpaper, whiskey and beer

To whom do I owe an apology today?

Broken and unraveled
Running to pray once again
For salvation
Purge.
Rinse.
Wash.
Repeat.

It's a start
But you have a long way to go
Before I mend my heart.

© S.C. 08

I wish I could've stayed.
But you said you were
Just slightly overwhelmed.
That you didn't expect me to come.
But I always
Come
Running back to you.
But on Saturday I found
I wore myself a circle
From pacing
And watching you kiss
The reason of our demise
Exclaiming you love her
When surely it's a fabrication
So when nightfall
Consumed the city and
The urge
To intoxicate my senses
Overcame each fiber
And you started talking to me
Through somber eyes
And hidden signals
I handed you your blanket
That I gave you three long
Tumulus years before
That I washed and folded
The blanket she'll take home
And sleep with tonight...

Without a sound I walked out the door

Because I knew
Your indecency means nothing
Compared to the consequences
Of everything you are...

S.C. 08

At 12:30am my heart stopped
And rhythmically
Systematically
Methodically
Started again
In sync...and I knew.

At 2:36am there was an orchestra
Of wolves serenading
in the twilight
But it wasn't the ones outside my window
It was him on my phone
Telling me about you...
But I knew...

It was 6:00am
When I watched the morning news
And my heart dropped
Thudding into my half-empty coffee cup
Splashing hate and contemplation
Into my face,
Confirming everything I already knew.

The fateful call came in
At 10:03am that it was
...emphatically...
You, I knew.
I climbed in my car
Racing the surreal dream
Hoping the car would wreck
So I would wake
And find myself home
In bed where I belonged
Panting, grasping for air...

I arrived at 5:15pm
With no nightmare but your own
My thoughts, heart, and world
Completely twisted and mangled
Contorted into something I could never fathom.
But would subconsciously blame myself for later...

I found you at 5:42pm lying there
Cursing the world under
Your coma induced breathing
So I watched while you slept
Helplessly, unable to console you
Hold you or
Maybe smack you a time or two
For never listening...

3:06pm, two delusional days later
I stealthily crept in, as you slept
And watched as you opened your eyes
Before we left
Slowly at first
Than wide eyed
Your Ghost of Two Years Past.
And through all the Pain
Anger, Deception, and Scars
You smiled - Out of something unmistakable
Something pure and unwavering...
Although it could've been the morphine.
You drifted as did I
Giving you a day to rest.

7:47pm I returned a night later
Just so you could tell me
That "I never should've left you in the first place."
I concur, and so does Karma-the whore.

You should've kept your dick in your pants...
In the first place.

©S.C. 08